Defining Moments, 2009
This Burn was my third (nonconsecutive) pilgrimage to the playa and the most powerful by far. Seeking a way to ground my energy and emotions upon returning to my homeground in the Pacific Northwest, I headed out to the San Juan Islands last weekend to visit two dear friends at their home on a cliff above the wild shore. I told stories about my experiences at the Burn for hours; a few days later, one of the friends commented "you seem humbled by your Burn this time around." That is a perfect description of my current state: humbled. Also: in awe. thankful. blessed. in love. connected. pregnant with possibilties. floating in a state of grace, not fully existing in this world or that.
"Tell us about one of your defining moments on the playa this year …" is the question John Curley posted on the Burning Blog last week, and over 75 Burners fresh from their Black Rock City tenure answer with stories that are moving, hilarious, sacred, bittersweet, transformative and heartfelt. I connect to the thread of humility that is braided through the many impressions shared. I feel waves of playa-love pulsing through my newly-reinvigorated heart as I read these personal reflections. I hope you can feel them too, and I invite you to share your own defining moment in the comments at the end of the post.
* * * * * *
One evening early in the week, as the
sun was setting, I walked out into the desert alone, behind BRC,
where there was no one. I was utterly alone, no other humans near
by. I asked my creator what I should do. My creator informed me
that I must lose the costume first…and so away it went, layer by
layer, and then the jewelry, and necklaces…all of it off, I stood
completely naked, bathed in the blazing colors of the setting sun.
I walked away from my belongings, and my footprints appeared in the
cracks before me, before I stepped into them, the footprints
appeared. They were already there, waiting for me to fill them. My
body found a rhythm and I intuitively moved in a kind of slow
ti-chi-yoga dance, that let my joints crack and free themselves of
their restrictions. I have been in several accidents, have broken
many bones and have limited range of motion, but I felt freed of
all of it. Free of pain, regret, fear…..FREE. With my creator that
evening, I found myself once again. A child, an embryo, a man, a
woman, all together, all encompassing, a creative being of
light….free to BE… as I was gifted this life to be.
Later that evening, a fellow burner gave me a bumper sticker that
says ‘Fear is Funny’.
And I have not stopped smiling since.
* * * * *
*
I decided to trek to the temple alone
on Saturday afternoon after much debauchery. I was delivered into a
dust storm on the way, and couldn’t see a single structure or
living person at first. Rather than feeling worried it was the most
peaceful experience of my life. Later, I would come apon pockets of
people and art that would recede into the dust again like
apparitions. I finally made it to the temple and cried like a
little girl- for me, for loved ones, for everyone there. It was
like my soul was wiped clean for the very first time. It was so
stunning and surreal.
* * * * * *
Watching the temple burn with friends, we were awestruck when a
phenomenal cellist humbly played next to us. We listened for a half
hour while he drew all the sorrow, love, yearning and spirit of the
temple through his strings, and then moved on. I am so grateful for
that beautiful experience.
Also, I got to surrender to the moment many times this year – going
with the flow, against my programming and typical behavior or
responses, I got to experience immediacy more than I ever have
before in 10 years of participating in Burningman. Here’s to
playadipity!
* * * * *
*
2 years ago I was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. Last
November, after a year of radiation and chemo I was told I only had
‘weeks or months’ to live. Being at Burning Man again this year was
a triumph for me and an affirmation of life. When I put a message
on the temple I started to cry because I suddenly realized I had
changed from thinking about dieing to thinking about living. That
was a moment I will never forget.
* * * * *
*
Sunday, before the gates opened, I was
exausted and broken. We had been working since Wednesday to finish
our art project and it was nowhere near done. Sitting in camp I
noticed a lost stranger, someone who just arrived. Im normally shy,
and not very touchy but something in my head told me to give her a
hug and help her with anything she needed. I needed to escape from
my imaginary walls. I walked to her, explained my story, and she
gave me the best hug I have ever recieved. We wandered around, left
each other then found each other later that night. I walked with
her all over the playa, pointed to our unfinished art and watched
the sunrise on top of another artists art, with the artist in
center camp. We bid each other farewell for another night.
By Friday I had made it a habit to say hello and hug as many people
on our street as possible. I had to pass on the gift of that first
hug. We had a shy 3 year old in our camp who I had finally
convinced to give me a hug. After the hug, I asked her “Would you
like to hug some people with me?” She nodded and we walked to the
street.
I have
never seen people with bigger smiles. She gave each person she saw
the biggest hug she could, and I followed up with the biggest hug I
could. We were both smiling, and sharing that with complete
strangers.
On Tuesday after the Burn, I was alone, in the deep playa
de-mooping our art site. I felt alone, lost and confused. I was
unsure what would help, but I was optimistic the playa would
provide. It had worked for the past week, why not
now,…
As I
turned to view the city, I noticed a lone bike rider coming closer
to me. It was my wonderful friend from Sunday. We embraced in the
silence while I returned her gift to her. It felt like we had known
each other for a lifetime. And I know we
will.
* * * * * *
This year marked my 7th burning man experience. Eyes closed while
dancing at the Opulent Temple I allowed my other senses to absorb
the sounds, the scents and feelings as fire blasts warmed my body
and the night air slowly cooled me. During one such blast of flame
I slowly opened my eyes and found myself surrounded by dozens of
like blinded dancing isolationists. A lunatic bunny engulfed me.
The moon shone full above me with Saturn at it’s side alone
together. The bunny smiled and kissed me then disapeared. I closed
my eyes and found the groove again and the distance between me and
the moon, the rocket , the temple , The art , The Man and the
multitude disapeared like the bunny. The days and nights following
were serene and comforting like the feeling one gets being alone
with family at HOME.
* * * * * *
Before my first burningman my boyfriend told me that I should make
something for my dad, who commited suicide when I was little, to go
in the temple. There has always been such a stinging pain over the
loss and absence of my dad that I have never been able to overcome
the pain and resentment that I felt. After thinking a bit, I
decided to paint a picture for him…which I thought was fitting
because he was an artist himself. I painted a picture that I
thought conveyed a fitting message but was largely unattached to it
because I hadn’t allowed myself to feel very much in the way of
sentimentality towards my dad.
On the day that we went to put my painting in the temple I had the
attitude that I would simply put it somewhere, maybe write
something around it and leave..very brief. I found a place on the
walkway up to the second floor and put it there..by this time I was
already crying, so I put it down and started writing a letter on
the baseboards. What came out of me was a message of love and
understanding instead of what I was expecting..a letter of anger
and accusation. At the end of the letter I wrote something that was
so true I could feel it down to the very bottom of my heart: “I
Forgive you daddy, and I love you with all my heart.” That was
unbelieveable because I literally felt the weight of 13 years of
anger lift off my shoulders.
The second moment was when I saw my painting go up in flames and
fall. It was my dad being freed of the resentment and at that
moment I knew something that I never could have believed before. My
dad loved me. He didn’t do what he did because of me. I have a
different outlook on life now because of those moments.
* * * * *
*
The Temple burn will always stick out in my mind as one of the most
moving experiences of my life but the most defining Burning Man
experience came on Tuesday night when...This was my first year and
so I had no idea what to expect when it came to the city itself. I
mean, my roommate and a large number of my friends have all gone
for the last 3-5 years so I had heard plenty about the atmosphere
and the energy and the people and the camps, but very little about
the city itself.
So yes, on Tuesday night a bunch of us ate some mushrooms and went
out to deep playa to explore and adventure. Our first stop was the
slide. We basically b-lined it straight out there without looking
back. It wasn’t until I scaled the slide and looked back out at the
city did the scale and beauty of it all really hit home.
I was awestruck by the lights and the fires. By the massive art
cars. By the people and the bikes roaming freely. By the massive
domes and the little blinkies. It was incredible. I had gotten
through the lineup and to my campsite around 330am on Monday
morning and just after dawn I wandered out past the esplanade to
look at the city. Very few camps were up and built so the city
didn’t have any real definition to it yet.
By the time we scaled that slide though, the city was really a
city. A beautiful, colourful, vibrant, utterly mad city.
* * * * *
*
My personal favorite moment was on Thursday night when a group of
four of us trekked out to deep playa. The moon was enormous, there
was a gentle wind that spared us the dust, and there was a
hightened mood of celebration. Way, way past the Temple, we sat
down for a smoke and to take in the sights. Looking back at the
city, it seemed like a huge, loud, beautiful, sparkling, surreal
mirage. We talked for a while about how amazing it was that all of
us who had planned and struggled to make it to Black Rock in 2009,
had made it happen and created this crazy/beautiful fleeting thing
which was impossible to describe and breathtaking to witness, and
that we could try to explain the exhileration of that view, but one
would truly have to be there to understand. It was a perfect night
at Burning Man and I’ll never forget it.
* * * * * *
My 6th year in a
row, SO many perfect, magical moments.
This year, I think it was when I woke up early Thursday morning
after a long night of partying and took a stroll. I was in my pj’s
(Leopard print shorts) and I really just meant to step outside of
the rv to get fresh air but before I knew it I was on a very
spiritual journey. I had no sun glasses, no bandana no spf…just a
bottle of water and off I went. What a rookie mistake to leave camp
w/o the necessities! However there was a force within me that was
stronger than reason. I walked and walked and walked and before I
knew it I was out at the trash fence. There was no one one within a
1/4 mile of me. I was at the 10 o’clock side and it was incredibly
serene. I sat down, and had the most amazing conversation with
myself. I kept getting a “Message” over and over…”Does it matter?”,
I kept hearing this. I’ve been so frustrated with some things in my
life, and when I heard this it was so fitting. A tear came, as I
answered…NO! I started to think about what really does matter in my
life and it filled my heart with Joy. The Love in my life is the
only thing that does matter.
Thank you Burning Man for always being a place of spiritual
growth…and evolution.
* * * * *
*
It was my first burn. On Tuesday night everything still felt new
and crazy. After insane dancing at Opulent temple and Hokkahdome
(which had best dj and music), and still feeling pretty high, we
wandered into the middle of chaos of moving lights and sounds that
reached the furthest corners of the desert (damn, they have bad ass
speakers). 360 degrees around us was everlasting party celebrating
humanity. And I said to myself: WHAT A CONCEPT, man, what a
concept! people make all this effort to come here and get loose.
And if world were to end tomorrow, that’s what I want my last day
to be like. If I am to die tomorrow, I am happy that I witnessed
that!
And then
when the sun started rising, we found a big tent near the Man,
where they served us tea. How nice of them to welcome morning
strangers. And a ridiculous yellow duck doing his morning dance to
the sun along with a runaway clown standing among nomadic looking
people – what a surreal picture.
* * * * *
*
My first ever burn after a decade of being a naysayer, and it was
magic for me.
There was a terrific piece of fire art made by a group called the
flaming lotus girls called “Soma”. It was two beautiful, ornate
tree like structures the larger of which was perhaps 30 feet high
with a flaming rotating core that had many small flowerlike
projections that had either lights or fire coming out of them
(meant to represent axons). One large and one small structure (each
meant to be neurons) were connected by a large spine (meant to be a
dendrite). The whole piece could be operated to emit bursts of
flame that are loud and hot enough to be felt both as heat and
pressure waves to the surrounding crowd from various parts of the
neurons and the dendrite, at the artists desire. Lovely.
So Tuesday evening we are strolling across the playa and stop to
see it in more detail. An enormous robot themed art car, Robot
Heart, pulls up (constructed of a double sized commuter bus) with a
giant dance floor and DJ booth on top. It has a perhaps 30 foot
long video screen that is synced to very loud and very compelling
techno/electronica. A large group gathers and starts dancing
ecstatically and with increasing energy beneath and around the
sculpture, and for over half an hour the DJ on the car and the
artist operating the sculpture talk to each other – the robot sings
to the sculpture and the sculpture talks back with bursts of fire,
while the crowd dances and cheers. Utterly magical and amazing and
moving.
While I expected fire art, and amazing art cars, and creative music
and spontaneous dancing, it had not occurred to me that all of
these things would inform each other spontaneously and
improvisationally. It reminded me of an incredibly moving and
energetic jazz performance but with visual and even heat and
pressure pulses adding to the effect. Now imagine that this type of
thing happens maybe a hundred times a day for a week, and 10,000
times a day on a smaller scale, not necessarily loud and energetic,
sometimes quiet and contemplative; and that no one is getting paid;
rather people are spending their own time and money to make it
happen for the art of it and the enjoyment and pleasure of others.
Understanding that was a significant part of my entry into the city
and informed my whole week.
I’ll be there next year, for sure.
* * * * *
*
Thursday morning I felt a strong desire to be on my own, and took
off for the Temple. I had something I needed to do. Armed with a
notebook, sharpie and handkerchief, I set off to heal and let
go.
I felt strong waves of compassion and loss as I approached the
Temple. I settled in a peaceful spot, overwhelmed by emotion, and
spent the next 30 minutes weeping — for loves lost, for wounds that
still hurt, for regret. For one lost love, the Playa is his sacred
ground, something that makes his eyes sparkle every time he talks
about it. It was all the regret and sadness around our relationship
ending that I needed to release.
I wrote a long and heart-felt note, full of rage, sadness and
forgiveness. Words I’ve said before but needed to say again. The
only thing I may never get to tell him was how wonderful Burning
Man turned out to be for me. I finally understand.
I tucked that note into a spot in the Temple and felt relief for
the first time in a while. On his sacred ground, I let him
go.
* * * * *
*
A camp in my village hosted a David Deida Meet Up – he is a
well-known writer and tantric teacher. About 35 men and women
gathered to discuss his philosophies. After the discussion, a
dark-haired, smiling man approached me and told me he was drawn in
by my radiance. He asked if he could share a poem that had
spontaneously dropped into his head, a gift from “source.” Of
course I was flattered and excited that a stranger had written a
poem just for me so I happily agreed, expecting something short and
corny. Instead he opened his mouth (and heart) and recited for
about 7 minutes an incredibly spiritual poem about divinity,
radiance, love. At first I smiled politely. Then I started to cry,
so moved that he had seen my soul, my worth. Then I smiled and
cried and sparkled and let my emotions flow out of my heart and
toward him. I felt seen, received, touched, honored, and wildly
impressed that he was able to compose a brilliant, very long poem
on the spot. A moment of beautiful Playa magic!
* * * * *
*
This was my eighth and my favorite burn. Yes, it WAS a particularly
ease-filled and redonkulously fun year, but really, it was the best
because of my intentions. Intentions usually come true out there.
To find a new magic friend, the best music ever, figuring out my
next professional move… something like that. This year, mine was
different. I arrived to the playa with only the intention to
continue to truly embody the present moment and to rest deeply into
the seed of who I am, of who we all are. Having already found
myself over the last couple of months finding that my real home
exists in the “now”, I was very excited to bring my new home, ahem,
home with me and try it out there!
So there I was, having all these cool shifts in my awareness and
having so much fun and then it all get taken to the next level,
whoo-hoo! Thursday night we were dancing at Nexus, he and I. Freak
Nasty was approaching the decks. The sound system was killin! The
place was perfectly packed…we sat down to rest. Eye contact for a
long minute. I asked, “What do you see?” He said, “A kind of
stillness and peace in you. What do you see in me?” I told him that
I saw that same stillness but that somehow he was not letting
himself experience it. That he was holding on too tight. “Yes,” he
said, “It’s true.”
And that’s when I let it happen. I let myself come completely into
the present, in a way that I have never before. And from that place
words came through me. And as I spoke the words to him I was also
speaking them to myself and we sat outside for over an hour on a
weird little pull cart on the back of someone’s bike and had a good
old fashioned satori experience… enlightenment on the playa? HELLS
YES BABY. Does it get much better than that? Nuh-uh, it doesn’t! Oh
and then I got to sleep in a perfect naked puddle of awesomeness
with him for days…that was rockin too ;)